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Who Wants to be an NFL Head Coach?
(1/2/2000)

Editor's Note: This is a spoof of the ABC-TV show 'Who Wants to be a Millionaire?' that has been circulating on the Internet. We don't know who the rightful author is, but we pass it along in hopes that s/he doesn't mind. MPM

Sports Guy unveils America's hottest new game show! This week: Pete Carroll tries to keep his coaching job with the Patriots, with your host, Regis Philbinnnnnnnn!!!!!

Regis: Welcome back to "Who Wants to Be an NFL Head Coach?" I'm with this week's contestant, Pete Carroll, who's playing for a one million-dollar contract extension and the right to keep his job with the New England Patriots through the end of the season. When we went to commercial, Pete had answered his first five questions correctly... if he answers ten more, he keeps his job and wins a million dollar contract extension! Pete, I have to ask you... are you nervous?

Pete: Not really. I'm pretty jacked for this. Hey Regis, are you as jacked as I am right now?

Regis: Absolutely! Currently you're at $1,000 dollars. You're doing very well for a guy who's fighting to keep his job.

Pete: I'm very excited. I mean, if you don't get up for something like this, you're not a competitor. I've just gotta keep fighting and hopefully get a few breaks and things will work out for me.

Regis: Before we get to the last ten questions, let's go to your wife in the audience. Mrs. Carroll, are you nervous?

Mrs. Carroll: I sure am. I remember when the Jets quit on Pete in '94, it was even worse than what happened this month with the Patriots. I just don't want to move again. We've moved twice in the past six years, Regis.

Regis: Two times? That's terrible! Pete, I have some advice for you -- rent, don't buy!

(Crowd laughs)

Pete: Well, hopefully I can keep fighting and hit these next ten questions. Stranger things have happened. I mean, remember when we beat the 49ers last year?

Regis: Let's get to it. This question is for $2,000:

During the course of any NFL game, some coaching staffs make adjustments in their game plan between the first and the second half. Which of the following teams don't like to make adjustments during games because they're afraid of confusing the players? Is it A) Indianapolis, B) Miami, C) New England or D) St. Louis?

Pete: That's easy... we never make adjustments during games. The way we figure it, if we spend all week coming up with a game plan, it doesn't make sense to get away from it just because the opposing team is having success against us. So I'll go with "C" -- New England.

Regis: Correct! Boy, that was easy, huh?

Pete: It sure was. I hope all of them are that easy.

Regis: Well, you're up two grand. This next question is for $4,000:

Yesterday in Buffalo, you benched Terry Glenn for one quarter after he got a speeding ticket Wednesday night and showed up late

for a team meeting on Thursday morning. Now, when Rod Rutledge got into a car accident during a drag race three days before our Week One game against the Jets, did you A) waive him; B) suspend him; C) bench him for a quarter; or D) fine him?

Pete: Hmmm... that was a long time ago. I'll go with "D" -- we fined him.

Regis: You are correct! Lemme ask you Pete, why did you handle the Glenn thing differently from the Rutledge thing, especially when he's your best receiver?

Pete: I have no idea. Are you saying that I should be more consistent and stuff?

Regis: Well, yeah.

Pete: Hmmm...

Regis: Um... okay. Our next question is for $8,000:

In 1997, you had seven top picks in the first four rounds of the 1997 draft. Amazingly, four of them aren't even on the active roster

anymore... anyway, which one of seven picks was the only player to start a game for the Patriots this season? Was it A) Damon Denson; B) Chris Carter; C) Chris Canty; or D) Sedric Shaw.

Pete: Hmmm... I think the answer is "B" -- Chris Carter. The only reason I remember that is because I waived Willie Clay to make room for him at safety and Carter's been killing us all season. (He laughs) Whoops!

Regis: Correct again! You're up to $8,000! Coach, that's amazing -- only one guy who's participating from all those picks in '97... and he's not even very good! How does Pats GM Bobby Grier keep his job?

Pete: Better yet, how do I keep MY job?

(They both laugh)

Regis: This is for $16,000... it's another draft pick question:

How many of your draft picks from the 1998 Draft have started every game this season? Is it A) Three; B) Two; C) One; or D) Zero?

Pete: Jeez... that's really tough. Let's see... Robert Edwards is out for the year... Tebucky Jones and Rod Rutledge haven't started anything... Chris Floyd started a couple, but he's been hurt... Tony Simmons only started yesterday's game... Greg Spires starts every once in awhile, but not every game... none of the other guys from that draft have done anything big... I guess the answer is "D" -- Zero.

Regis: Final answer?

Pete: Yeah.

Regis: You are correct! Unbelievable! In the '97 and '98 drafts, you drafted a total of 19 players, including three #1 picks, two cornerbacks as #1 picks, and ten picks in the first three rounds... and only one of them has become a consistent starter, and even YOU admitted that he's one of the worst starters on the team! Is that incredible?

Pete: When you put it like that, it's pretty amazing. To be fair to Bobby Grier, Robert Edwards and Brandon Mitchell have been injured this year, and we didn't know that Tebucky Jones was a special ed case when we drafted him.

Regis: I have to ask -- how come you haven't waived Tebucky yet? Is it because no NFL team has ever spent consecutive first-rounders on cornerbacks and waived both of them within a 6-month span?

Pete: That's pretty much it, yeah. We're still hoping Tebucky can get a little more consistent, whether it's here or in a local flag football league.

Regis: Sounds like you've given up on him! That's remarkable! Pete, I mean... how can you screw up THAT many draft picks?

Pete: You'll have to ask Bobby Grier that one. I think Mr. Kraft likes him because he kinda looks like Isaac from the "Love Boat."

Regis: All right... this next question is for $32,000:

What is the name of the starting tight end of the New England Patriots? Is it A) Marv Cook; B) Ben Coates; C) Rod Rutledge; or D) Dick Zinia?

Pete: Wow... jeez... that's a really tough one. We never throw to our tight end, Regis.

Regis: Why not?

Pete: Well, we like to be as predictable as possible. We send our receivers on 30-yard pass routes every play and we make sure we force the ball to them as much as we can, even if they aren't open.

Regis: I need an answer.

Pete: Man... this one's really sticking in my craw... I got it done right here... I gotta keep fighting... um... can I get some help from the audience?

Regis: Absolutely! Let's have the audience vote on this one... remember, this is the only time you can use audience help today, but you still have your 50/50 and your lifeline left. (pause) And here's the voting from the audience: 63% voted for Ben Coates; 22% for Dick Zinia; 14% for Marv Cook; and 1% for Rutledge.

Pete: I guess we'll have to go with the fans here... it's not that often that I can rely on the fans anymore. I'll say "B" -- Coates.

Regis: You are correct! Congratulations, Pete!

Pete: That's great. I'm pleased as punch right now. It's so nice to have the fans actually help out... when we have our home games at Foxboro, they usually don't start cheering unless we're at least 10 points ahead.

Regis: Speaking of ahead, you're up $32,000. Wanna keep going?

Pete: Absolutely.

Regis: What happens if you don't win today?

Pete: Well, I guess I have to regroup and keep fighting and try to get a job as a defensive coordinator somewhere in the NFL.

Regis: You think that's what you might be best-suited as in this league?

Pete: No question about it. I'm a DC. But if a team's willing to pay me to be a head coach, it's their money, right?

Regis: I like the way you think! Anyway, this next question is for $64,000:

When Bill Parcells left the Patriots after the '96 season, he took over the 1-15 New York Jets while you took over the defending AFC champion Patriots. Including the playoffs, who has a better record over the past three seasons? Is it A) the Jets; B) the Patriots; or C) a dead heat?

Pete: Wow... unfortunately, I know the answer to this one. Over the past three seasons, we're 26-20 and they're 26-19... since they have one less loss, I guess that means that they have a better record. So I'll go with "A" -- the Jets.

Regis: You seem confident... and with reason! You are correct!

Pete: The only reason I knew that was because some deranged Parcells fan has been mailing the Jets-Pats head-to-head standings to my house every week since I started this job.

Regis: That's just amazing, isn't it? Three years ago, you were the defending AFC champs and the Jets were the worst team in football... yet they have a better record since you took over the Patriots. You couldn't make something like that up!

Pete: You sure couldn't. I thought for sure we'd do much better than them this year when Vinny Testaverde went out, but we're only two games better than them right now. if that doesn't stick in your craw, I don't what does. That's digging at every guy in this locker room right n-.

Regis: Okay, enough. Next question, for $125,000:

Assuming the '99 season ended today, what would your record as head coach be against teams with winning records during the regular season? Is it A) 11-11, B) 13-9, C) 7-15 or D) 9-13?

Pete: Ouch. That's a REALLY tough one. Jeepers... um... I'm gonna use my 50/50 here.

Regis: All right. Let's eliminate two of those answers -- we eliminated "A" and "D." So is it B) 13-9 or C) 7-15?

Pete: This is a little embarrassing, but there's no way we have a winning record against teams with a winning record since I've been coach. I'll go with "C" -- 7-15.

Regis: Final answer?

Pete: Yeah. I feel pretty good about that one.

Regis: You are correct! You're up $125,000!

(Crowd applauds wildly!)

Regis: Pete Carroll, you're just three more questions away from winning a $1 million extension and keeping your job as head coach of the New England Patriots. One last note on the previous question -- if you include the playoffs, you're 8-17 against teams with a winning record over the past three seasons.

Pete: That sounds a little better, I guess. Still, that's something I need to work on. We can beat these lousy teams, but dangit - the good teams, they always seem to get us.

Regis: Well, you're three away Pete, this next question is for $250,000:

When the Jets hired Bill Parcells in February of '97, the Patriots received four high draft picks over the next three years as compensation. Which one of those picks is the only player who developed into a starter for the Patriots?

Is it A) Andy Katzenmoyer, B) Tony Simmons, C) Sedric Shaw, or D) Damon Denson?

Pete: Hey, I know this! It's "A" -- Andy Katzenmoyer. He's our middle linebacker. He's the guy who missed the tackle on Sam Gash yesterday. Speaking of Sam Gash, why can't we get guys like that?

Regis: Is Katzenmoyer your final answer?

Pete: Yup.

Regis: Correct! You're two away! You're up $250,000! Let's go backstage to the Green Room and talk to some of your players, who came here as a show of support.

(Switch to backstage, where eight Patriots starters are having a raucous keg party in the green room. Ben Coates and Rod Rutledge are chasing each other driving electric golf carts. Drew Bledsoe and Todd Rucci are taking turns diving into the green sofa. Lawyer Milloy and Vincent Brisby are rolling on the ground in a wrestling match. Terry Glenn and Willie McGinest are doing keg stands.)

Regis: Guys, this is Regis Philbin. How do you feel about the performance that your coach is putting on right now?

(Nobody answers)

Regis: Guys, anyone want to answer?

McGinest: We're all pulling for coach!

Glenn: Party! Party! We don't have a game for six more days!

(Switch back to Regis and Pete)

Regis: Wow, it's crazy back there!

Pete: Those guys are just letting off a little steam. We don't play again until Sunday night.

Regis: Well, hopefully, you'll still be the coach, Pete. This question is for $500,000:

Curtis Martin is currently leading the AFC in rushing with 1,139 yards. Since he left as a free agent before the '98 season, which of these guys have NOT been used as a starting running back for the Patriots: Is it A) Terry Allen, B) Sedric Shaw; C) Robert Edwards; or D) Kevin Faulk.

Pete: Tough one, tough one... I'll go with "B" -- Sedric Shaw.

Regis: Feeling confident? Is that your final answer?

Pete: I think so.

Regis: You're correct! Shaw started during the '97 season when Martin was injured, but he didn't start after that! I bet you miss Martin now, huh?

Pete: Well, at the time, we thought we could replace him with draft picks and free agents... I guess it didn't work out that way. Harold Shaw looked really good in practice last week though -- he's a 6th-rounder who's really been coming on for the practice squad. Maybe he'll be the guy that makes everyone forget about Curtis.

Regis: Let's hope so. Anyway, you're up $500,000. Wanna quit and take the buyout?

Pete: No thanks, Regis. It's gut-check time. Do or die. This is what we play for, right here. I've been fighting real hard for 14 straight

questions... I want to see this thing through.

Regis: Here's your final question... for $1,000,000 and a chance to keep your job as head coach of the Patriots:

Over the past two years, the Patriots suffered a number of injuries. That was used as an excuse for why this team didn't return to the AFC championship game. However, this season you haven't been hit by that many major injuries, yet it looks like you're going to miss the playoffs for the first time in four seasons. What's the biggest problem? Has it been A) Halftime adjustments by the coaching staff; B) a general lack of discipline; C) bad breaks; D) the players are simply overrated; or E) all of the above?

Pete: Jeepers. I'm gonna use my "lifeline" on this one.

Regis: Who would you like to call?

Pete: I'm gonna call my boss, the owner of the Patriots, Bob Kraft.

Regis: Okay, let's dial him up with AT&T...

(The phone rings... a woman answers)

Woman: Hello?

Regis: Hi, this is Regis Philbin from "Who Wants to Be an NFL Head coach?" I'm looking for a Robert Kraft.

Woman: Hi, Regis, this is Myra Kraft, Bob's wife. Is Pete on the show this week?

Regis: Yes he is.

Myra: Hold on, let me get Robert, I know he watches the show... hold on.

(Long pause... we can hear screaming in the background)

Myra: Um, hi, Regis? Bob stepped out... um... I don't know when he's coming back.

Regis: Would you like to h-

Myra: I have to go. Please don't call here again.

(She hangs up)

Regis: Wow, tough break, Pete... you used up your lifeline and Mr. Kraft wasn't even home.

Pete: Man, that hurts. He said he'd be there. That's a tough break.

Regis: Remember, you can take your $500,000 buyout if you don't feel confident.

Pete: Nah, I've come too far. I want to keep coaching this team and turn things around... I'll keep fighting and keep plugging away... umm... I'll go with "C" -- bad breaks.

Regis: Final answer?

Pete: Yeah.

Regis: You sure?

Pete: Yup.

Regis: I'm sorry, Pete... the answer was "E" -- all of the above.

Pete: Shoot! God dang it!

Regis: Tough, tough break. You came so far.

Pete: Well, I'll take responsibility for this one. I had a chance to make some adjustments after the Lifeline call fell through and I didn't get it done. When you make a mistake this late in the game, it becomes magnified because it's do or die and I just wasn't able to overcome it. I just have to go back to work and hang tough and create some more correct answers because I'm not giving myself a chance to win game shows right now.

Regis: Pete, there IS no next time for you. Because you lost today, you're getting fired at the end of the season.

Pete: That's it?

Regis: That's it. Sorry it didn't work out for you.

Pete: Well, I'm shocked right now. I didn't get it done. I'm just torn up by th-

Regis: We have to go to a break... we'll be back with Bill Cowher after this!